Some wize words someone once told me:
Expect things to be different and be surprised when they are not.
This is especially applicable to my trip. Before coming to Japan, I created a complex image of what I though it would be. Reading blogs, watching vlogs, asking Japanese people about their lives, I thought I knew everything there was to know about Japan. And in a way I was right, I knew the facts, but nothing can compare to actually experiencing life here. Storytelling can only convey so much, so the actual vibe and feeling I thought I would experience in Japan is actually very different from what I am experiencing right now. More specifically, how I fit in the whole image is very different than how I thought I would. And in so many ways, this is the more beneficial outcome, because otherwise I may have been disappointed, not being able to experience the trill of novelty.
Where this ends up is that differences and novelty (more specifically in a setting) can really be amazing. While here, I have the feeling of a conforting sort of liberty, that I can be anything I want, admis, and because of everything that is new to me. It’s a very nice feeling, a feeling as if I can start anew, and form new habits, and is something I will dearly treasure until my leave from Japan.
Unfortunately, returning to America, I am likely to lose this feeling of liberty, returning to the monotonous melange of routine and old habits. So naturally I’m worried. Will I lose all that I was able to learn on my trip? Most likely no. I’ll still have them locked up inside of me like a caged bird, but it may be difficult for me to let free that colorful caged bird, in fear that I’ll be attacked by the every so numerous sparrows, and die. (Sort of like The Birds, isn’t it) But I guess I’ll have to be strong and apply the will power and determination to not fall back into the habits I don’t want to fall back into, and be the person I am, with all of the new lessons learned, although it’s easier not to. Probably my biggest obstacle will be my habitual behaviour I always escape to whenever I feel overwhelmed. In certain words, I become I bland shell of who I am, and back in America, this is the norm for me, everyday, much of the time. And even more unfortunately this habbit is instinctual. But as someone else wize has said to me: if I just try hard to “stay” with my feelings, maybe some of the time I can overcome this behavior, and do what I want to do, and be what I am, in that very moment. By staying, I mean allowing my feelings to be rather than rejecting them instantly, and instinctively taking counter measures. Luckly, in rare cases, I have already been able to achieve this where it was important, and it was absolutely wonderful and relieving. I know I have it in me.
As a conclusion (tentatively, since everything is always changing),
I will be able to move forward (applying what I’ve learned and not falling back into old habits) if I allow myself to stay with myself and not be so afraid of failures (which I will speak more about in my next blog, たぶん).