One Moment

I feel as if I’ve been really struggling with the notion of purpose for a long time now and I’m not really sure what to do with it. You should live every moment of your life fully but what should you really do in those moments?

It’s all about priorities I guess, what is most important to do in that one moment. But how could you possibly know what to do? Every moment is so vast of possibility that all that is limiting what you could do is unpreparedness and ill health. If you don’t think about what you want to do, you can’t do it. I guess this is where awareness comes into view, to help you figure out exactly what you want to do in that moment.

Then the bigger question would be: should you just do what you feel like, or should you think everything out more fully? Intuition or logic? But I guess this must be an age old question. Giving in to mere whimsical desires or living for the future. After all, most recently, this must have been a big driving force behind the hippie movement in the 60s, the liberation of constraints on desires.

Maybe this is biased, but I really believe that living entirely for the future is not the best way to go. Living for the future, working towards a better reality, although it will eventually lead you to a better future present, leaves little room for enjoyment of the true current present. This is where so many people struggle, myself included, to find a balance between preparing for the future and just really being in tune with the present.

So I guess then the bigger idea is just to be in tune with what you feel you need at a current moment and acting upon that if it truly and deeply reflects your innermost self and what is best for you.

Knowing what is best for you (from your own perspective and no one else’s) requires really knowing yourself. But that’s talk for another time. So I shall leave you here.

Good day and good night,






So I wonder, where does passion come from?

I haven’t figured it out for myself yet, so maybe by writing, I can. It’s what I always do: use writing as a way to better understand how my own brain works.

To be honest, I feel as if my life (more specifically my day to day life) is pretty hazy right now, although pleasant. It’s not too bad, but it would be nice to have somewhat more of a direction – a goal, a hobby I can work towards. And I don’t really have that right now. Although I may find writing, reading, and being in nature really nice, I’m not really sure I could pick either to be the one thing that I do for the rest of my life. Though maybe I could, but there is the possibility that I would be always yearning to do something different. But overall, I don’t really know what I really like right now, so that’s why I’m trying to figure out where in the world could this passion, that everyone tells me to find, could be coming from.

Since I haven’t really ever experienced a burning passion for anything, I honestly don’t really know what it could be. Though my closest guess is something that is closely aligned to your natural state that you could really see yourself doing every day. Something that is important to you that you feel brings some deeper meaning in your life and makes you somewhat fulfilled at the end of the day. But I do not believe that anything will cut it, that if you work hard enough on something, it will eventually become your passion. A passion has to be in accordance with your talents and your life philosophy. Only then will it truly be a passion.

But at the same time, I kind of feel like it can be hard to find in the first place. From what I’ve seen, daily stresses can really interfere with one’s passion. From stress to dissatisfaction to low confidence, it can all affect your outlook on the things you like to do. And all of a sudden, as I have experienced, unfortunately, your favorite activities can become a chore, even to the point that you might give them up. Now I don’t know if I’ve just been too picky, or if my hobbies have simply not been passions, but I have given up many of my activities much too easily, at least from my perspective. But the big question here is: are passions exempt or subjected from being influenced by these daily stresses. If you cease to like a hobby because of something else going on in your life, is it simply not meant to be your passion, or is it because of that something else, and once you’ll get over that stress, you’ll be able to like that hobby again? This is what I’ve been struggling with, and I’m not sure if my passion is something I have already discovered or am yet to discover.

Never the less, it’s late now, so it’s time to go to bed. That is my current goal pushing me forward.

Good night,




Recently I’ve been thinking about the pace of my life, and it’s pretty crazy. Only 4 years ago, summer felt like an eternity, but now, it goes by quicker than I’d like. Wednesday felt like the longest day of the week, now Wednesday is only a blink of the eye. Same goes for weekends. Before it felt like I actually had time during the weekend, now it feels like nothing, barely enough time to rest for the upcoming brutal week. Even today, I went to a con, and 12 hours passed without me doing anything much. It went by way to fast, morning to night. And I feel like I can’t keep up with it. It’s scary how time feels like it’s slipping from my fingers, and I never expected such a sentiment would come to me so quickly (at such a young age). I thought only really old people on death’s doorway felt like this but seems like time begins to escape you much earlier on.

I don’t really know what to do. Because everything’s moving by so quickly, it feels like my life has little substance, little to grab onto and hold close. I can listen to music, do things, sleep, relax, but nothing will stop the flow of time. I thought that significant things such as romance and a life changing event would help stop the flow of time, but I’m not even sure about that now. I am thinking that maybe if I do something new every day, it can help me stop that flow of time. But I’m not sure yet. I’ll get back to you as soon as it works.

But first of all, I need to ask myself, why do I want to hold onto time? I think the big idea around it is that I want to more significantly experience things. I want to have more time to observe what is happening to me in hope that maybe it sends me some message of the purpose/meaning of life. Maybe that’s why I yearn to hold on to time so much, so I can eventually figure out that meaning of life. Until I have that figured out, until I know what I want to do every second of my life, I think I will continue to tightly clutch onto the strings of time. Because as of now I don’t use every moment I have purposely, I need more “moments” to attempt to live purposely and equal to how many moments of purposeful living I would have if I actively lived every second in my life until I died.

I seek more time to make up for time lost.





La Haine

‘C’est l’histoire d’un homme qui tombe d’un immeuble de cinquante étages. Le mec, au fur et à mesure de sa chute se répète sans cesse pour se rassurer : “jusqu’ici tout va bien, jusqu’ici tout va bien, jusqu’ici tout va bien.” Mais l’important n’est pas la chute, c’est l’atterrissage.’

‘Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? On his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: “So far so good… so far so good… so far so good.” How you fall doesn’t matter. It’s how you land.’

– La Haine (1995)

We just watched this movie in French class today, and I have to say, this quote left me speechless. It reminds me of so much in not just our society today, but also in my daily life.

At first glance, this quote seems empowering; however, it reveals a depressing pattern in our society. We humans have an overwhelming capability for hope, hope that reveals itself in so many positive ways, but hope that can be disastrous. Hope – “so far so good”- can breed ignorance which shields our sight from impending doom and actions to avert the doom. The first example that comes to my mind would be the war on terror. The first response to most with terror is to attack those who attacked them. Although this may seem like a good idea in the farsight since it’s been “so far so good,” in hindsight, attacking those who have attacked them has only led to ever increasing violence which may lead us “landing” in a way that is not preferable.

On the other hand, even more revelatory, is that I have seen this pattern even in my own daily life. Going to school, a lot of us high school students are always telling ourselves to just keep going and pushing on, similar to La Haine’s “so far so good.” What we lose in doing this, though, is having agency over our own daily lives. Weighed down by the enormity of time that school and school work takes up, we feel powerless to carve our own path in life. We feel limited and restrained by the system; however, don’t do anything to get ourselves out of it because up to now, it hasn’t done anything significantly damaging to us. But over time, it does build up, (*trigger warning*) and when it does, some people, even people in my school, have gone so far as suicide because they stuck to the “so far so good,” until their faces were smashed on the pavement. Society is often unable to avert its incoming doom because it refuses to recognize its own cracks.

This is something to keep in mind as we move forward. If something has been working fine until now, it doesn’t mean it’s good. There are always other options, and they should be thoroughly considered.



Daily :)

How would it be if I wrote in this blog every day?

Recently, to be honest, I haven’t been very satisfied with how my everyday life is. All I do every day is what a popular french saying expresses very clearly: “métro, boulot, do do”, the literal translation of which is: ‘commute, work, sleep’.

In a sum of words, I also do the same thing every day with school. I wake up, go to school, take a hurried lunch break, take the bus home tired, eat dinner, and do homework until it’s time to go to bed. This is not a very exciting routine. Rather I’m fine doing it, but once I begin to think about how many hours in my life I send passively doing this, it really makes me want to take more control of my day to day life and spend it doing what I actually enjoy doing. It’s a shame to waste to waste your youth in such a way. I’m not saying that school isn’t important because it is; it’s very important for us (teenagers) at our age to build a foundation upon which to learn whatever we want to learn from there on. But it’s hard for me to believe that studying can be all there is in life, and all that should be important for us at our age and moment in time (applying for college). I think that everyday life should have a more diverse scope that just this; we should have time enough to, at least, fulfill our basic needs: sleeping, eating, social interaction, and leisure.

I could go on about this forever (but I need to go to bed), but the big idea is that studying shouldn’t take so much of your energy that you don’t even have time to address your basic needs, reflect on the day, or be happy anymore. As a solution, I am thinking about attempting to do one small thing every day that makes me happy. One of the things I am thinking about doing is writing in my blog more often, ideally a bit every day because it makes me happy. 🙂 So please look forward to that; however, don’t expect a masterpiece every day, maybe just a sentence or two, a picture, or a quote. Maybe even music or some of my art! Anyway…

Have fun and relax, it’s as important as studying.



So I just did a compassion exercise and it was interesting to see how I reacted to it. (Here is the link if you’d like to look more into it yourself:

I’ve discovered that giving and receiving compassion from others can be surprisingly difficult. Although having compassion towards all of humanity or neural people in general is slightly easier, giving and receiving compassion from those around me or that I personally know, especially those closest to me, can be upsettingly difficult. As soon as I try to do it, a wall comes up, and fear renders me no longer able to be compassionate, making me cold and distant. A door, a possibility to be kinder and nicer to someone, is shut in that instant the fear kicks in.

The fear most likely comes from the human desire to protect oneself. In relation to a stranger, there is always the possibility that being nice to someone will not turn out favorably. They might yell at you, there could be some awkwardness, they might actually want to be alone at that moment, or maybe your intention is to be nice, but instead, you end up accidentally insulting or upsetting them; the last of which is the scariest for me. There is a sense of unpredictability. For me at least, the mere possibility that I might be the source of pain or sadness or anger for someone really kills me. And so, I simply end up avoiding compassion in the first place for people I’m not sure how will respond or are giving me the vibe of “leave me alone”, who might actually be the people who need compassion the most. However, of course all of this mental hypothesizing and circling and worrying might be complete bullshit. There is no way to know how people will react, and after all, kindness and compassion are positive emotions and unlikely to be met with negative reactions, since they are emotions that are highly sought after by all humans. All humans want to be happy (or what ever your interpretation of that is) and should well receive anything that will make them happy, including you being nice to them. This fear of a negative reaction to compassion is highly irrational. However, this fear, like any fear, is unlikely to go away easily, so it should be met with, first and foremost, to the best of your ability, kindness to yourself for having this very human fear. Always keep this in mind.

On the other side, in relation to those close to you, there is always this underlying sense of doubt, or rather intense skepticism. Do the people who say they love me or act like they love me, really love me? Is their kindness true? This comes from deeply set anxiety and self-doubt. Most people – including myself – at some time in their life, will have the feeling that they are not good enough. This feeling might then spread to encompass relations with other people. Am I good enough for this person? Why do they even like me? These emotions can sometimes become so commonplace that it can become difficult to take a step back and look objectively at them. Why would anyone lie to me that they love me? Considering that they’re a good person in the first place, there’s no reason for them to lie. They should already be showing to you how much they care about you through their actions, there should be no reason for them to tell you after all. However, low self-esteem will always make it hard for you to really see and accept that there are people who actually care about you. Nevertheless, as soon as you are able to realize your competency (which every single human has by the way) and wondrous existence you should be able to also receive compassion from those closest to you.

Of course, getting to be able to receive and give compassion to anyone and everyone who might pass your way is not a snap of wrist. I’m writing about it because I’m not there yet and it’s extremely frustrating for me. My hope for the world is that everyone can be more compassionate with each other, no matter what the situation; however, I am unable to uphold such a demanding hope for humanity, until I, myself, can prove I can be more compassionate with everyone, no matter what the situation. But being nice everyone is very scary; it puts you in a vulnerable position where you have to take everything that is thrown at you. Being kind is to take off your protective gear and let yourself be stabbed in the heart numerous times until you can soften the heart of another to stop stabbing you.

It’s a risk. I might die. But it’s worth it.

And this is where I end, be kind to each other everyone,


A Break in Time

Recently I’ve been thinking about gap years. I went to a gap year fair a couple of days ago that got me thinking: in what circumstance would I need to take a gap year? Although gap years can be beneficial in a superfluous amount of ways, they also delay college for a year and are a huge financial burden. In result, I decided, I would only take a gap year if it was absolutely necessary for my life, if I would not be able to continue on without one.

Upon reaching the end of high school – as I am allowing myself to speculate – most students feel as if they really need a break from the whole structured – sometimes constrictive – learning environment. And so they will take a gap year or something of the sort, a break from 4 continuously difficult years of pushing to get to college. Yet, I find this troublesome. How is it that a person can run out of steam so quickly, right as they’re supposed to get to the so-called, most exciting part of their lives?

The only way I am able to assess this question is by looking at my own life. Although I can only speculate, I can imagine that at the point of finishing senior year, I’ll be rather dull and bored of life as a student. As I am now as a student, I feel very protected and constraint by my environment. I do not enjoy the life of sitting at a desk all day doing assigned inconspicuous and possibly uninfluential work, as the sunrise turns to sunset, and as I unnoticeably become older. I’m not sure if I can accept such a sedimentary life as living. Nevertheless, maybe all of this dissatisfaction comes not from my circumstance necessarily, but rather from my mentality. Taking this assumption, in this case, the way to once more become exited about life as a student and college would be to use a catalyzing force to skew the pessimistic mentality inside me at the moment.  This catalyzing force would be a gap year.

And so, we now have our answers. The circumstances in which I would take a gap year would be those in which I have become too pessimistic about life as a student to continue on to college and would need a break to revitalize my spirit and energy.

Although an interesting and exciting gap year can be a great way to jump start your spirits for college, what about for other times in life? As a person becomes accustomed to their environment, how can they make the mundane alive again in their eyes?

Questions to explore in the future…